Ever have one of those weeks in which you are just so ashamed of your behaviors.  You were like this demon version of yourself that rarely makes an appearance but when it does it comes out with vengeance!!  Well….that was me…this week.  I have been feeling ill for over 2 weeks and I was miserable, on top of this, things at my place of employment went somewhat array.  As a medical social worker, I already work in a stressful environment.  After a week of mass firings and being short staffed, things just became that more stressful.  I am blessed to have a job at the end of the week but besides being sick, worn out, grieving for my coworkers who lost their job, fear of the future and just pure sadness I was just angry at the world.  There is really no other way to describe it.

Due to my profession, I practice all the time the method of opening up and talking about how you are feeling and not bottling things up.  The only problem is that I can’t seem to practice what I preach all the time.  Instead of calling someone and talking to them I just bottled everything up.  Instead, I got mean, like real mean.  If I wasn’t yelling at you, I was ignoring you.  I would try opening up then I would shut down.  Then I’d be angry at the person because they kept asking me what was wrong and I couldn’t open up.  I mean realistically I know they didn’t do anything and I was actually just mad at myself and the circumstances.  This behavior is so unusual for me.  I’m not saying this side of me has never made an appearance before but it is incredibly rare.  I have never been so ashamed of my behaviors.

The miraculous thing about being human is that we all have these “demon” sides that appear every now and again.  Okay, some more often than others.  Here is another miraculous thing.  God places these amazing people in our life that puts up with our crazy bull crap and still loves us.  God loves me unconditionally and I know this.  Even though I did and said some pretty not so pleasant things this week he still loves me.  God expects all of his children to give unconditional love as well.  The only hard part is that we’re human and it’s harder for us sometimes.  I am so grateful for the people in my life.  Even though I may have treated them less than what they should ever be treated (and trust me I am really sorry for this) they were able to separate and understand that I was sad and these behaviors were coming from a place of emotional turmoil and this is not the normal me.  When I pushed them away they pushed back.  They continued to support me and love me even though my actions through the week were less than sub par. 

I can only hope that you also have people like this in your life.  I have learned how to unconditional love others because of the unconditional love stowed upon me.  It’s contagious.  God provides unconditional love and we want to strive to be like Christ so we show unconditional love.  When we feel another human being unconditionally loving us we too can carry on this love.  Can you imagine what it would be like if everyone knew how to love like this and so deeply.  I feel the world would be a better place.  In the end, I’m not proud of my behaviors this week but on a positive note, it reminded me how blessed I truly am to have so many people who love me. “Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. To love somebody isn’t just a strong feeling. It’s a decision, a judgement and a promise.”~Jessie

 

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