Getting to know the person I am is the hardest thing I have ever done. One wouldn’t think it would be but let me tell you, it was painful. Let me start by saying “women are fickled”!! I mean I’m sure men have their own set of “fickleisms” but I for one always denied and stood up for us women and the stereotypes given to us by men until I got to know myself and then I realized that I have zero idea what I’m doing half the time. For example, the last few days I have been basically home bound because of feeling ill. I live alone which I always thought was best because I become this demon version of myself when I’m not feeling well making everyone around me miserable. What happens next you ask? I thought. I thought a lot. I thought about how I felt lonely and unloved because no one was here taking care of me. Did you see what I just did there? I just said it was best I live alone because I become a negative version of myself when ill and make people miserable yet I was throwing myself a pity party because I had no one here to make miserable. Oh, and one thing I failed to mention, my phone was blowing up with loved ones checking on me yet I was annoyed by all the texts. Seriously?
It’s amazing to me how unique every individual is. None of us come with a user’s guide to help others navigate us. Over the course of the last year or so, I’ve been on this mission of trying to better the person I am. I’ve done a lot of deep reflection and faced the fear of who I actually really am. I basically realized I was human. I messed up a few times and I was afraid of what others would think about the mistakes I made. In order to move on, I had to forgive myself first. I messed up and that’s okay. Everyone does. This doesn’t make me a terrible person. The important thing is that I learned. Okay, well, it may have taken the “mistake” to happen a few times but I still learned nevertheless. The past is the past and that’s where it’s staying. Once I forgave myself, I began loving the person I had become because I stopped loving myself at some point. No matter what, God loves me because he created me. I am one of his masterpieces and I am proud of that. God knows I’m going to mess up. He has set the bar so high it’s not obtainable for any of us to reach it because he wants us to strive to do our best always but knows we’re going to mess up sometimes.
If I’ve discovered anything from this experience of learning who I am is that after you realize the true person you are you have to accept it. After a conversation I had with a friend who has become a very important part of my life and I’m sure was placed here for a very specific reason from the big man upstairs, I realize I am not the only one who struggles with the issue of forgiving themselves and getting to know who they are and accepting it. He too, has made mistakes he is not proud of. He confided in me some of those. When he was finished, I thought no less of him as he doesn’t me. It just goes to show that we, as humans, tend to be more punishing of ourselves than the people are around us. I tend to describe myself as “challenging”. When I say this to people, they immediately reply something along the lines of “I don’t think you are” or “You’re really not”. I use to think they were saying this to be nice but they aren’t, they actually mean it. My picture of me in my head tends to have more dark colored areas whereas other people’s (with a few exceptions) pictures of me are bright and cheery.
Once I discovered the ‘real’ me and then accepted it, it was so easy for me to accept everyone else and all they have to offer because lets be honest if anything comes from making a mistake it’s the lesson it taught you. As many mistakes as I’ve made, I should really be a genius. The one thing I remember from the conversation I had with my friend I mentioned early is that I told him that people can change. No one is perfect but if you are striving to do better that is all that matters. We are all striving to do that and that makes us equals. It doesn’t matter that out pasts are different what matters is that we all have them and we are trying to better ourselves to honor God. So even though getting to know who I am was painful and hard and did I mention scary, I have grown immensely as a person and because of that the people around me are benefiting too. So go ahead, strip down, get to know yourself. You can only be a better person because of it. ~Jessie
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” ~ Aristotle